Forlorn.of.thee (fa'lo:n ŭv thē), p, my only strength and stay,forlorn of thee, whither shall I betake me, where subsist?
Paradise Lost by John Milton
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Sunday, March 30, 2008

2 days in Paris


Once in a while you come across something, an event, a picture, photo, a movie, a song or a scene that strikes a chord. Watched 2 days in Paris over the weekend. So many scenes I can relate to, laughed, cried...

This is Marion's epilogue...

To sum up the 4 hours of discussion that follows, It's not easy being in a relationship, much less to truly know the other one and accept them as they are with all their flaws and baggage.

Jack confessed his fear of being rejected, if I truly knew him, if he showed himself totally bare to me. Jack realised after 2 years of being with me, that he didn't know me at all, nor did I know him. And to truly love each other we need to know the truth about each other, even if it's not so easy to take...

So I told him the truth, which was I'd never cheated on him and I also told him that I just saw Mathieu that afternoon. He did not get mad at me because nothing had happened, of course.

I confessed to Jack that the toughest thing to me was to decide to be with some one for good, the idea that this is it, this is the man I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. To decide that I will make the effort to stay and work things out and not run off the minute there is a problem. It is very difficult for me.

I told him that I could not be for just one man for the rest of my life, it was a lie but I said it anyway. He asked me if I thought I was a squirrel collecting men like nuts to put away for cold winters. I thought it was quite funny.

Then he said something that hurt my feelings... the tone changed drastically, then I misunderstood what he was saying. I thought he meant that he didn't love me any more and that he wanted to break up...

It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. Nothing... It hurts so much.

When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing.

Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one.

When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Hallelujah ~ Rufus Wainwright


I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift,
the baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof,
you saw her bathing on the roof,
her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair,
and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room;
I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march,
it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
whats really going on below,
but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too,
and every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above,
and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night,
its not somebody who's seen the light,
its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Happy Easter everyone....

Monday, March 10, 2008

Insomnia Part II

Dedicated to the in insomniacs in my life...

Was in the Chinese supermarket over the weekend, had a natter with the old owner. He was espousing the wonders of gǒuqǐ . Excellent for the eyes and great for those sleepless nights due to menopause I was told, and add to that it’s less than $2 a packet.

What on earth is gǒuqǐ. Ah, looked at the shelves and found out it is called Lycium Barbarum or Wolfberry. Looks a lot like grains or red rice. One merely has to stick the dried Wolfberry in a cup, pour in hot water and let it stand for a couple of hours, pulp the berry and drink. The owner swears by it. Tried it over the weekend, doesn’t taste that bad, but no x-ray vision yet.

It just occurred to me gǒuqǐ = goji, the drink the health food stores are selling for $50 a litre, and here is a cheap alternative.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

My affair...

It was an illicit affair, been going on for close to a year. She lived next door and we saw each other almost everyday. Her name is Cecilia or Cici… We were very much in love, but her heart, body and soul belonged to my neighbour, literally :)

She proved to be too much of a handful and I was offered her hand or paw. Agreed to a formal commitment last week but having cold feet at the altar. What if she’s unfaithful and returns to her ex…. What if I have to move overseas… What if … ?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Insomnia

Dedicated to the in insomniacs in my life...

O sleep! O gentle sleep!
Nature’s soft nurse, how have I frighted thee,
That thou no more wilt weigh my eyelids down
And steep my senses in forgetfulness?
William Shakespeare Henry IV (3.1.7-16)

Getting a good night sleep means working with your internal body clock. Getting up at about the same time every morning, and going to bed at around the same time each night helps set your clock to a routine.

An afternoon nap can the dull your need for sleep at night. Except when sick or very very tired, it’s best to avoid afternoon naps.

Good sleep is more likely if your bedroom feels restful and comfortable. Relaxing colours (bright red walls and mirrors on the ceiling will not help). Wear earplugs if there are noisy neighbours or barking dogs. A good mattress and block-out curtains are a great investment. Associate your bed with sleep and sex. Not working on the laptop, watching TV and the like.

Turn off that Blackberry or mobile phone. Do not leave it on your bedside table (From personal experience trust me, I’m addicted to my Blackberry).

Cigarettes do not help you relax, nicotine is a stimulant. So is caffeine. These drugs accelerated your heart rate and blood pressure and will keep you awake for longer. Whenever possible, avoid cigarettes and coffee (and other caffeinated drinks) in the evenings.

Alcohol is a depressant drug, which means it slows the workings of your nervous system and may help you doze off. However, this effect of alcohol wears off and your sleep will be disrupted and fragmented. You won’t feel refreshed in the morning (with a hangover maybe).

Sleeping pills may help at the beginning. After a stint of using the pills, falling asleep without them can be even harder. These drugs should only be used as a temporary last resort and under medical advice.

Insomnia is often caused by worrying. If you find it hard to clear your mind when you’re in bed, try a relaxation exercise. You could try to relax every part of your body, starting with your toes and working up to the top of your head. Or you can concentrate on the rhythm of your breathing, or repeat a mantra. Sex, masturbate or whatever can help relaxation ;)

If you still can’t fall asleep after 20 minutes, get up and do something boring and repetitive, don’t just lie there.